Nothing in life is worth arguing for- now if i could only convince myself that it is the truth then i could truly live in peace. I have taken this habit of sitting in my room and emptying my thoughts for 15 minutes or more. Sometimes I just think about the grass, the wind, the water, the sea, the deep ocean, the eyes of the tiger, the flowers, the rain---the trees---nature, and nothing else. During this times i feel complete, that everything i need in life is already there. Sometimes I think about the one man I love and I smile, I keep on generating thoughts about positive things that will happen to me and him. I am very happy during this moments, the joy is pure, there are no expectations from anybody. No family members to nag you and tell you to become this or that, no television to trick you into thinking that you are not enough, no harsh comments from friends regarding weight, no need to talk about money, or politics. no need to gossip about neighbors or think about what food i will eat> it is just me and this peaceful world. Feeling the connection with the universe, is so strong. In the past I had always advocated against many things like tuition fee increase, weight problems even to the point of starving myself, i got overly obsessed with finding a way how to become popular myself- drinking sprees, never ending coffee conversations, rationalization, questioning the meaning of life and so and so forth, getting depressed when things do not go my way- and wanting to change the world because I was forever discontented. And then i just woke up one day and got tired of it all. Fighting the world, screaming and shouting,changing my appearance, maintaining a so called discipline for others, maintaining a certain weight to be loved, arguing, trying so hard to be noticed, to gain the attention of others- its just not me anymore. Nowadays i just shy away from conversations. after all i am slowly realizing that life is more about living in peace together with the elements. Animals and trees, never mind the expectation of humans or my own expectation about humans- it just really does not matter anymore, Love is always inside me. I can never find it with others even if i try hard enough- it is just here inside me, living, thriving.. I find watching the birds, the trees, the flowers soothing, its like there is no idea in me that is left regarding the need to prove myself with clothing or with my current social status. i dont have the energy to criticize anymore, i dont really care about politics, the condition of any country or my hair. Sitting there and emptying my thoughts, or sometimes visiting a vast plain of land, grassy mountaintop, feeling the call of the universe in that 15 to 20 minutes of silence is enough- i have all that i need. Happiness within. the glorious feeling of putting everything down, and not resisting anything- i hope to feel higher and elevated as i continue to love myself and heal myself---my thoughts are calmer this days, my sleep is more relaxed. I have everything that i need in life...
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